Pseudo Relationships, Guys, and Girls
Yesterday was a public holiday in Germany and a friend and I decided to walk the streets of Berlin. We were in the middle of talking about pseudo-relations when we ran into a group of 20-year old”ish” charming German guys, who asked us to take photos of them. So we agreed to take their pics. They began to try and persuade me to join their group photo. I wasn’t going to be an object of their amusement for their memories in Berlin, but they kept persisting. And the persisting turned into them trying to pull me over to join their photo. I wouldn’t do it and then I thought “why don’t I tell them about Jesus!” As soon as I said Jesus, they said they were too tipsy to talk about Him and we parted ways. Whether it was the alcohol speaking, guys being sloppy guys when women walk by, or what- I don’t know, nor do I care.
But my friend and I began to talk about how girls allow themselves to be pulled into pseudo-relationships with tactful charm like the group of 20 something had just shown us. In this 21st century day and age the male and female relationship is different than it was generations ago. Not to mention that guy girl friendships CAN be and are often complex enough. Our century’s way of dealing with it doesn’t make the complexities any easier. I observe people around me, as well as my own life and it’s easy to get caught up in a pseudo relationship, doing the things that dating couples do when the friendship is supposedly platonic. Things like- hanging out too much, texting a lot, giving sweet compliments when you only see the other person as a friend, and sending other mixed signals.
This one guy I knew always sent me kissy face emojis as if it were nothing. When I asked him what it meant, he said that he sends it to all his female friends and then he asked me why I asked such a strange question. Right then and there I knew his maturity level and it showed me that my generation is so used to pseudo relationships (or sending mixed signals) that questioning it is seen as silly. It’s so common for men to accept a woman’s attention, take it, some will use it, and feel good about it knowing they have no desire to commit to the woman. But then they wonder why she starts becoming attached or needy. I’m not putting down guys; it’s just something I’ve noticed about their nature that I don’t understand.
But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one. -Matthew 5:37
We’ve gotten used to crossing lines, lines that are only meant to be crossed in serious and committed relationships. We’ve allowed ourselves to rely on platonic friends for emotional and mental fulfillment, when God designed that fulfillment to come through a marriage partner. And we wonder why our opposite sex friendships are often complicated. A girl/ a women’s heart is different than a male’s heart. At the root women desire to be desired. God put that in us, as we’re made in His image because He is like that (So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them- Genesis 1:27). But yet, we women often allow boundaries to be crossed and let guys text us kissy emojis or say sweet things to us, hoping that their actions or words will turn into a committed relationship. We women are the gatekeepers and we determine what we allow our hearts to pine for. Girls/ women, we have to put up boundaries to guys and keep platonic platonic, so that if we have hopes we won’t feel hurt when the guy just sees us as a friend. We must be wise and true to ourselves so that guys will be true to us. And guys should work on setting boundaries too, hopefully cutting down on needy girls texting too much.
I mentioned the event about the tipsy German guys because my 19/20 year old self would have probably jumped in their photo, thinking that there was nothing wrong with it. My 20-year-old self didn’t institute enough boundaries and I often felt disappointed by guy friends that were coming off as they were interested by their words or actions, but underneath it all they only saw me as just a friend.
God doesn’t want His daughters worrying about guys who give breadcrumbs and don’t know what they want. We should only have our sites set on Godly men who can give us whole loaf of bread and his “yeses are yes and nos are no.” God doesn’t control how we allow people to treat us. It’s up to us to set some boundaries and respect our feelings, our emotions, and our hearts. Pseudo-relationships are a waste of time and feelings.
Happy Friday from sunny but chilly Berlin xx.
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. –Proverbs 4:23
**I've not read this book: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend but I hear it's good!