I think in your early 20s it’s easy to sometimes confuse who’s a friend and who’s an acquaintance. Just like I think it’s common to have a lot of people around you in your early 20s, but as you mature in this decade of life, you realize that you’d rather have a few quarters around you than lots of pennies.

I wish I had known the difference between the two 10 years ago when I was a late teen. But, having spent my early 20s in Washington, DC, a city where networking is key, one tends to find themselves around a lot of people, a lot of pennies. And you find out easily that those quarters that you called friends, were actually just acquaintances, just pennies. So, you learn how to understand the types of people that come into your life, once you receive revelation on: Friends vs Acquaintances, Pennies vs Quarters.

What is a friend? What is an Acquaintance?:

I’d say one distinct difference between acquaintances and friends is that you can’t really control meeting an acquaintance, whereas you choose your friends.

Friendships are a gift from God and it takes time to build up a good friendship. I remember a girl in my 8th grade summer camp saying something profound for our 13 year old aged selves: “It can take years to build up a good friendship, but it only takes seconds to tear it apart.” Friends breathe life into us when we’re at our weakest, they apologize when they’re wrong, they don’t give up on us, they don’t tear us down but their criticisms are constructive, they are there- and we do the same for them. Our friendships should bear good fruit. And if they aren’t, with perspective and reason, we should cut them off.

Acquaintances can become friends. But, to start and unleash expectations on an acquaintance that you unleash on a friend can lead to disappointment. Now, let me be clear. We should never expect too much from anyone. All of our hopes and expectations should only be in Christ because He never disappoints. But, as a friendship (platonic or romantic) grows, you will hold that person to certain levels of expectations than you did when you first met them.

To put an acquaintance in the friend zone too early, or to expect an acquaintance- someone that you don’t know well or just met- to do something that a friend would do is premature. And in some cases I think that there is some truth in what I’m about to say: we have to look at ourselves and own up if we were perhaps unleashing an expectation on an acquaintance that should have only be reserved for someone who is a friend.

Friends, Acquaintances, other cultures:

The first European country that I lived in was Spain and I had such a difficult time with the people there. I felt so lonely because the Spanish are tight-knit, a little cliquish and it’s hard to break into their friend groups. Yes, they are nice but it’s hard to become one of them. And my American self didn’t seem to really make the cut.

Then I studied in England, and the often cliquish Brits, who can come off as snobby and arrogant weren't any better. It can be challenging to not only become a part of a friend group in England, but to also feel accepted. And the Germans are quite similar about being careful in who they call a friend. But, when you make a German friend, you more often than not will have a friend for life. So hold on if you're finding it challenging to make friends in some European cultures.

When looking at my Middle Eastern, Latino, or Southeast Asian friends I find many similarities to the American culture. Acquaintances are treated like a friend an I notice feelings of disappointment when these groups meet European-type cultures that tend to evoke friendship boundaries to acquaintances.

I say all that about these cultures to say this- I think that Europeans are more clearly attuned to what a friend is and what an acquaintance is. And they balance accordingly to place boundaries between the two. As an American acquaintance who has been living in Berlin for several years, texted me a few weeks ago, stated: “Europeans have a high outer wall and a low inner wall, and Americans have a low outer wall and high inner wall.” The inner wall meaning, going from friendly to friend (or friend to close friend).

Perhaps I would have saved myself a lot disappointment in my early 20s if I would have first lived by the fact that I should not expect too much from anyone- that all my expectations should be in Christ. Secondly, I think that others might resonate with the fact that if we guard our hearts, and we know the difference between an acquaintance and a friend, we will find the value in having a few quarters versus having lots of pennies.

Happy Friday!