Breakups aren’t fun. Whether you’re the one broken up with or the breaker upper- there’s emotional pain for both sides. Well, sometimes the breaker can be completely insensitive and a jerk and it’s possible that they don’t feel any pain or regret. But anyways, I’d argue that a break up is the sharpest pain that I’ve ever experienced because it cuts deep into the “root system” (aka the heart). It’s the closest thing to physical pain because it can be a struggle to wake up, enjoy the company of others, to eat or to sleep.  When friends tell me that they’re going through break ups I cringe because I know the pain and how they feel. But there’s always purpose for life’s pain and if you let Him, God will meet you there because He wants to do something for you in the process.

But, there are some things to keep in mind when going through a break up…

1). Own the pain…. no matter how long you were seeing the other person, don’t devalue the pain you are feeling. In order to grow from the break up you must dive head in. It’s in the moments where the heart is tight and raw, and your spirit is low that you can be real with yourself. It’s in life’s pains that God is doing His most redemptive work. There are things that He wants teach and show you about yourself. Honestly, there are some things that can only be learned in breakups that can’t be learned in any other situation. I’ve found in breakups, such a closeness with the Father that it’s so tangible- receiving His love. It’s in that vulnerable place with God where I can be honest about my feelings, expressing to Him my hurt, frustration, anger, confusion and everything in between.

But, it is possible to totally ignore the pain from a break up. There is a temptation to numb what’s going on in your heart by, for example: working out harder at the gym, staying later at the office, taking on another project or whatever to get your mind off what you’re feeling. When you think you have to be strong and ignore the pain you’re feeling, that more often than not, what you’re feeling could turn to bitterness, anger, or a complete ignoring of what you can learn about yourself and change- because you’re avoiding the problem.

You have to be easy with yourself. As humans, we were created with the capacity to love deeply and to be known deeply. The flipside of that is to be hurt deeply. That’s why Solomon said we are to guard our hearts above all else. But even when the heart is hurt, we must grieve and own the pain we feel. 

2). Find Community: The saying, “you are the company that you keep” rings true even in the time that follows a break up. Thinking that you can escape the pain by having endless sex (Finding Sarah Marshall movie reference), or taking drugs, or drinking won’t fill the void. Again, you have to own the pain and immerse yourself in it. Sex, drugs, and getting drunk are short-term solutions, but they have longer-term consequences because after the high those acts wear off you’re stuck with your pain, not knowing where to go.

Having a wholesome community of good friends of all ages who can offer advice, show you where you could have done some things differently, offer you perspective, talk it out with you, pray for you, or just listen to you is healing in an of itself. It’s natural to want to go within yourself and withdraw from others to sort through all the emotions you’re experiencing. But, you need wholesome people during this time, and friends that encourage you to drink or get drunk aren’t wholesome- they’re destructive to your post breakup dilemma. They won’t fill you up; rather they will drain you where you’re already emotionally empty.

3). Give Back: When we’re going through any challenging season, I think a good way to work through your own problems is to give back to your community. Dive into issues that affect your community, i.e. serve food at a soup kitchen for the poor, play with orphan children one day a week, volunteer at a refugee shelter, or do some yard work for an elderly person. When you immerse yourself in the needs and pain of others, you become a servant exhibiting the character traits of Christ- of humility to help others in their hour of need.

Break ups are a process, full of phases, emotions, highs and lows. But they are also a great way to grow and become a wiser person. If you’re going through a break up, keep holding on- brighter days are ahead.

Happy Friday!