Is it weird that it still takes me a moment to fully let that sink in? I was addicted to porn for years in my early 20s and it’s now a few months shy of two years since that chain was broken by public confession through my blog. There have been setbacks along the way, but there has not been a relapse. While the weight is off, the effects are still a part of my life. I’m still finding new ways the addiction has altered my thinking. The biggest culprit: Self-Objectification.

As many of the other changing, this is the one that becomes easier and easier to identify. My self-worth was wildly distorted by porn. A reality I’m facing is one I haven’t heard in other testimonies thus far. Though I subconsciously compared myself to the women I saw, I identified with them more than I expected. My current struggle is seeing my body as a blessing from God and not a curse that pins me as being ‘sexy’ in a world where I’d rather be beautiful.

I happen to have the proportioned curvy body type that is all the rage these days so it draws a lot of attention. I should probably be ecstatic about that, right? Eh, I can be, but I find a lot of grief in it too. I teeter-totter between this insatiable hunger for a leering gaze and then feel gross and shameful once I get it. After that feeling dissipates, I circle right back around to the hunger. It all mimics the cycle of the addiction. It’s crazy, I know, but that’s why I’m sharing. As a woman, this experience isn’t necessarily specific to a recovering porn addict, but my past experience has certainly magnified the ordeal.

There is an underlying motivation that guides each us in the decisions we make and it takes hard work and time to recalibrate our brains. God is fully aware of how our minds work and goes after these, sometimes hidden, motivations. He knows the habits and patterns of actions are only the overflow, not the fountain. I regularly have to remind myself to “think about what I’m thinking about”, which is phenomenal advice by the way. Instead of just obediently following the first pull of the reigns, I need to ask myself where it’s leading me and why it’s leading me there and if that’s a place I want to go. Isaiah 54:17 says “no weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper”. It does not say is that no weapon formed against me will affect me.

Like every other twenty-something, Simone is trying to find out where she fits in God's big plan. She has a passion for spiritual progress and peace and is clumsily but successfully breaking through the noise and nonsense of this world to promote and engage in the things that really matter. Her not so guilty pleasures include One Direction, Netflix binges, and breakfast foods. Read her blog, “The Be(a)st in Me.”