Through this Justin Beiber inspired title I will be writing writing about the importance of loving, specifically, loving yourself so that you can love others- as I draw to a close this theme of relationship.

Recently, I poked my head into the office of a woman that I admire. “Not everyone will like you as a leader, or the choices that you have to make,” she stated. "You can’t please everyone, nor should you try. You’re young so learn this now. You can listen to people because it’s important to listen at times. Sometimes you will think about what they said and think of how you could have acted differently. And sometimes you’re going to have real annoying criticizers who complain about this and that, and you know it’s not necessary to take to heart what they’re saying. I as a leader am not responsible for people’s happiness- that’s their job and business.”

When we’re nit-picking, living in dissension with others, always finding fault with others, or trying to tell others about themselves in an unconstructive way it’s a clear mirror of what’s going on in our hearts. King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 27:19, “As water reflects the face, so a man’s heart reflects the man.”

It’s a clear indicator that we’re possibly unhappy with ourselves and maybe we have a little self-righteousness because we're giving unconstructive criticism that isn't speaking life into someone. It’s a clear indicator that there are things going on in the nooks and crannies of our hearts, and we’ve tried to put Band-Aids on whatever is bothering us and it’s not working. It’s as if water is hitting a Band-Aid and it’s coming off. Metaphorically, the water is the revealer- the Holy Spirit- pulling off the Band-Aid, exposing what’s in our hearts (i.e. that there is unresolved pain) and it’s coming out in various situations in how we treat others. And, the Band-Aid is us trying to deal with our brokenness on our own, by ignoring and covering it up. But it’s clear that we can’t cover up the pain.

 And though criticism is verbal, it can also be nonverbal in how we treat others and ourselves. In his book Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehabian describes his research on nonverbal communication and reports that 7% of a message is communicated through words, while 38% is voice and tone and the remaining 55% is facial expressions, gestures, and posture. That means in every interaction you have with another person, each time you try to communicate and connect with someone else, what you don't say is saying the most. [1]

Being secure in yourself and loving yourself takes time, as well as a desire to change your thinking about yourself. Some people struggle with this more than others. But, it requires a humble spirit to let God into those nooks and crannies of your heart to heal and deal with your brokenness, as well as faith that God will get you to a point of where you are secure in yourself if you let Him. You can’t really love others until you love yourself.

As I have tried to point out these past few weeks with the theme of “relationship,” when Jesus isn’t Lord over our lives, our relationship with God is affected. And believe it or not, our relationship with ourself is affected. And then inevitably, our relationship with others is affected. Remember! You’re not going to love yourself or others until you come to love God and have a relationship with Him.

• If you find yourself in a frustrating, unhappy season where you’re nit-picking and tearing others down then you should go and love yourself. A good starting point is to dive into Scripture by reading and meditating on all 66 books of the Bible- the best love story of all. Remember! Until you experience the love of God, you won’t fully understand what true love is.
• If you find yourself with negative friends or that you’re surrounded by unhealthy people then you should go and love yourself by getting new, uplifting, and edifying friends. Remember! Bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15: 33) and you are the company that you keep!
• And if you feel that you can’t break free from a cycle of not valuing yourself and others then you should go and love yourself by opening up to someone you can trust (i.e. your pastor, parent(s), a trustworthy friend, a Christian counselor) who can hopefully give you clarity and perspective on the root of your inability to love yourself. Remember! You can’t do everything alone and the right person can help you unload years of pain that you’re carrying if you let them. If you’re wanting a suggestion on healing for past issues that have wounded your heart, try SOZO, an international prayer resource through Bethel Church in California, USA.

I leave you with these two quotes:

Before we open our mouths to offer criticism, we should ask ourselves:

1.       Is it Christ-like?

2.       Is it edifying?

3.       Does it really need to be said- empty talk that will lead to misunderstanding and a larger problem ensuing?

4.       Is it given in the correct tone?

5.       Is it loving?

6.       Am I secure in myself when I say this?

7.       Have I received peace from the Holy Spirit before I speak what’s on my mind?

People don’t need to hear everything word of criticism we think about them or of what they’re doing, so strive to live in peace (Romans 12:18, Hebrews 12:14) and choose your words and battles wisely.

Happy Friday xx!

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[1] Propel Conversation Series 1.