I’ve had quite a few young girls asking me: why isn’t he approaching me? I always see him staring or he does this or that, but he’s not approaching. As I write this, I believe I write with Godly wisdom and wisdom from my own experiences

When I was a student in London, I decided to go to the cinema to see a film with a guy who nervously asked me to go see it with him. (I have a point for telling you why he was nervous). A few days before, a group of friends and I grabbed drinks at a pub in central London and we were all talking about a film that was quite popular at the time, and “this guy” asked me if I had seen it and I said no. Rubbing his hands together and then over his knees, then over his elbows he slyly said he needed someone to go with him, then asked me if I’d go. Looking at him and thinking to myself, ‘what does this cute boy want from me,’ I said sure.

In the cinema about a quarter of the way through the film, I could feel his energy. It’s so fascinating how the moment of crossing from being friends or acquaintances, to “an item” is like crossing a bridge of no return. It’s palpable when it’s a time of something’s got to give because it’s so clear both sides are into each other but neither has said anything. And the simple gesture of holding hands vastly breaks the ice.

Anyways, I could see and feel he was nervous as he kept wiping his hands on his pants. And, I remember thinking to myself, “if he wants to hold my hand, he’s going to have to do it. I will not take the lead or make this easy for him.” Haha. I don’t know where that boldness in me came from but a moment later he took my hand and held it.

And this is what I continue to tell myself and other women: Do not desire a man that is not approaching you and that won’t approach you. Assuming he likes you or is too shy can be detrimental to the female mind. No matter how nervous a man is, he will eventually make a move if he really likes you. And, if he’s not approaching you it can be God’s protection, protection from both sides getting involved in a relationship that’s not right for either. It could be he’s gay, it could be he’s already in a relationship, it could be it’s not the right time for him to be in a relationship and he’s got a lot on his plate, he could not be attracted enough to you to pursue you, it could be because he’s intimidated by you due to your appearance, age, maturity, or spiritual level, it could be cultural or religious differences. But, whatever the reason, it’s a protection.

You see, men go after what they want. And men may be insecure for a season and they may not be confident for a season, but when they want something, especially when they see a woman they like, they will go after it. God has equipped the male nature to hunt (read John Eldredge’s Wild At Heart).

Men see everything when they are around a woman they like. They’re constantly looking, like the way a lion in the jungle is looking at his prey. They observe how a woman smells, how she brushes her hair back from her face, her laugh, they ask questions of how she thinks, they take in how she approaches situations- and they notice her moods to see if “that moment” will be the day to approach her for something more than their friendship or acquaintanceship. And honey, if that day doesn’t come then he’s not going to approach you.

But, if and when a guy you like pursues you, it doesn’t mean that you should just jump into a relationship with him. Just because something is doesn’t mean you have to engage with it. And when a guy makes his intentions known, you have to look at what Dan Blythe calls the 3 Cs: character, chemistry, and calling. You have to assess his character and where he is spiritually, if you two are on the same page about beliefs (I’d even say politics too), you have to asses if there is chemistry and if you get on and connect with him and he with you, and for serious minded adults, marriage should be the goal- so do your callings align? If he knows he called to live in Australia but you’re called to live in Milan, how’s that going to work? 

I remember a few years later, there was a guy I had liked for a long time- too long! And I was telling my cousin how much I liked this guy and she said, “I’ve been listening to everything that you’re saying but cousin, no matter how shy a guy is, if he likes you he will pursue you.”  Sometime later a friend, an older woman pulled me to the side and told me bluntly, “Ally, this boy you have known a long time, he has your phone number, he knows where you live, and if he wanted to be with you in that way, he would have made that known by now.” Ah, it was like something pierced my heart. Those direct words stung but I knew deep down they were true and that was the beginning of my letting go. God knew I needed to hear that so I could move on.

Where women mess up is trying to become the hunter. This is not the role of women, though we know how to charge when we have to. But, I always say the major things we cannot control are: getting hired for a job, getting a work visa, and for women, making a guy pursue us. These are things we must surrender into the hands of God. Now, there are things we women can do to let a guy know we’re also interested so he knows it’s safe and not scary to approach us in a romantic way. But, the truth of the matter is: guys can lose interest or pity us when we hunt them.

I also remember when I dated a guy the pastor of the church asked us how we met, how long we had been dating, etc., but one question was: “who pursued the other?” A poignant question. It makes a difference when the guy approaches and makes his intentions known. The man always needs to love the woman more and I know that can sound controversial to some but I’ll save that for another post. Point is: when the man pursues that will most likely set the tone for the relationship. When a woman pursues that most likely will set the tone for the relationship. It’s just best in this area to let men do what God created them to do.