How to Handle a Friend That Betrayed You
Before I get to the subject at hand: “how to handle a friend that betrayed you,” I want to remind us what a REAL friend is…
“Friend [frend]: A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations; a person who acts as a supporter or a cause; a person who is not an enemy or who is on the same side. ”
Friendships and what they mean should not be complicated. The qualities of a friend are someone who is there, consistent, doesn’t try and compete with your success, honest, loyal, exudes the Fruit of the Spirit, corrects in love, forgives, respectful, puts in to the friendship, makes time; and when they make a mistake or hurt you in some way, they own up to their wrongdoing and apologize. But the same goes for you and me, if we are good friends, we will exhibit these friendship qualities too.
We see clear examples from the Bible of the closest of friendships: Jesus friendship with siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary; Jesus’ friendships with Peter, James, and John; David and Jonathan; Paul and Timothy; Moses and Aaron; and Naomi and Ruth.
A few years ago, I wrote a Friday Post on “Friends v Acquaintances” and knowing the difference. There is a difference and if we aren’t aware of who a person is in our lives, we might mistake them for a friend, unleashing “friendship” expectations on them, when all they are in reality are acquaintances. Someone you have known for years may in fact be an acquaintance, and over time, friends can shift to becoming acquaintances.
Every now and then I analyze the relationships in my life, making sure I’m aware who is an acquaintance, who is a friend, and who is not a friend. This may seem like I’m overthinking the relationships in my life, but relationships are what bind us to people, and having the wrong understanding of who someone is to you can bring all kinds of problems into your life. For a long time, I was putting acquaintances or people who I had been friendly with a few times into the good friend category.
But reader, Jesus also knew how to establish relationship order in his life: He ministered to the 5,000; He laid hands on the 70; He taught the 12; but He let in the 3. Peter, James and John were the three people that were His closest friends in ministry. Your deep close friends aren’t many. As T.D. Jakes has mused in sermons, if you find 1-2 people in a lifetime that are confide’able and loyal to you, that’s a lot.
As the Bible says, “there are friends who stick closer than a brother.” Friendships should not be taken lightly because they take time, energy, and investment, and because of this, I hold friends very closely in my life and take them very seriously. I’m extremely careful who I let into my life. I’m friendly to people and because I’m a networker, I know a lot of people, but as I age, I’m very careful about who I let in. Why? Because there is only so much of myself that I can give; secondly, I think there is Biblical wisdom in being careful who you let into your life, as you need time, situations and circumstances to let the Holy Spirit show you who someone is- and this takes years. Thirdly, betrayal never comes from a stranger, it always comes from a friend (or someone you know well).
Most all of us have had someone we called friend and even knew for years, but they betrayed us. And sometimes there is nothing that we could have done to have known they were going to betray us.
“Betrayl [bē’trāel]: treacherously reveal secrets or information; to be disloyal. ”
And now to the topic at hand, here are two thoughts on how to handle a friend that betrayed you in some way:
1- Share with them how you feel: Sometimes in order to begin healing and moving on is to confront the person and tell them how you feel. It’s also mature to confront. Now, if they are a narcist and abusive, my question is deeper and it’s for you: ‘how long were you “friends” and why didn’t you exit the “friendship” earlier?’ Also, I wouldn’t call such “friendship” a friendship. And the deeper question is ‘why were you drawn to them, and why you let this unhealthy person into your life?’
But, when your emotions are not haywire, and with love, a heart of understanding, respect (not harsh words and yelling), ask to meet them and tell them how you feel. If they are a person of substance and character they will admit any wrongdoing on their part, repent, apologize and perhaps you can both move forward- depending on the severity of the betrayal or disagreement. But meeting can also help you understand their side of the situation, and help you see if you’ve overreacted or if what you thought is a betrayal may not be that severe.
But, if they don’t own up to wrongdoing, make excuses, or manipulate the situation to make you feel it’s somehow your fault then it sounds like this person should be dropped from your life.
2- Distance: Sometimes distance is greatly needed. It depends on the situation and circumstances, but distance allows for cooling off and maybe a waning off of what was a friendship. If a friend is not exhibiting the qualities of a real friendship, or doesn’t feel that they have a problem exhibiting the qualities of a friendship, and it’s clear they do then something is wrong. They don’t understand what a friend is and don’t deserve the relationship.
It’s great when a friendship can be reconciled, and always let Holy Spirit guide such a thing. A good friend is exhibiting the qualities of a friendship. But depending on what someone has does to you, confronting in love and then maybe distancing yourself may be the answer. But you should never let someone back into your life that has harmed you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Happy Friday! God bless you and go bless someone else this weekend!