Ladies, Here Are 9 Ways To Destroy Your Marriage
Gareth and his wife, Hermoine
The moment more than one person joins another on a mission or a task, we call that a "team". If you enjoy and watch sport as much as I do, you begin to recognize and appreciate great teams. I heard it said before "players win games, but teams win championships", this is so true in sport but even more so when it comes to having a successful marriage.
If one person on the team of marriage shines at the expense of the other, it is not a win for the team. A pastor I worked with for many years shared an experience with me once, which I love to relate to other couples. He visited a married couple from the church who were on the brink of divorce.
From the moment he arrived at their house, they could not stop arguing. The pastor tried everything he could think of, prayer, council, listening and trying to figure out what to do. It was becoming late in the evening, and without any breakthrough, it was time to leave, but the pastor could not find his car keys. So, everyone began to search the room, under the couch, on tabletops under the table but no keys were to be found. After some time of searching, the pastor realized something, for the first time since he arrived, there was no more bickering, blaming or arguing, but instead, there was silence, team-work, and unity in trying to find the keys! The pastor immediately understood that this was missing in their marriage, they did not have the same vision and mission and were working on their own desires, which brought about the division.
I'm not sure what happened to the couple, but this real-life situation always reminds me to be connected and in unity with my wife. When it comes to your marriage, it is crucial to be on the same page and work towards a shared vision. This vision of where you both want your marriage to end up has to be communicated clearly and often because it is the core of your union.
The importance of Self-Awareness
An outstanding team player is clear about their role and strengths. Most of us want to change our spouses, we see the areas in their lives that we believe need to improve or change, but that will just lead to more frustration. However, the answer is to work on yourself. The more aware you are of how you talk with your spouse, how you treat them, how you respond to them, how you show up in life with them is the starting point – because many of us don't even realize the destructive things we do.
Matthew 7:3-5 says:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Take the time to notice how you interact and communicate with your loved one and see where you can make a shift. "When I change everything changes". This is a powerful statement because when our attitude and outlook and perception change, suddenly we begin to look at the same things differently. For example, where we once took our partners for granted and became familiar with them, we are reminded that they are indeed a blessing from God. Being more self-aware helps you to tune in to your partner's emotional needs and desires.
Having a daily devotion, journaling and prayer will help you become more aware of yourself.
Self-centeredness and self-awareness are different. Self-centeredness is all-consuming and only focuses on your selfish desires. Self-awareness is being conscious of how you behave and is the starting point for change.
Love Conquers All Things
Love is a verb, a doing word as they taught us in school. Love leaves clues, and it looks like something. Don't say you love me and then not show it. Don't listen to what people say, look at what they do, because therein lies their real motives. Reflect on how you treat your spouse, I know at times, I'm guilty as charged! Here's a reminder of what real love looks like found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
I've preached on love many times before and recall verse 13 from Corinthians 13 in particular while I was teaching one Sunday morning, "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal". I walked up to the drum set next to me, took the sticks and began beating the drums as loudly as possible, and I purposefully preached at the same time in a softer voice, you get the message, it sounded horrible.
That's what we sound like when we speak and show no love – there is a disconnect, our spouses switch off, and they see us for the phoney that we are. When our actions and words don't line up, we break trust and authenticity, which results in a lack of intimacy in our marriage.
Real love always forgives when wronged, it may be a difficult choice, but it is the best choice, and especially when it comes to marriage, it is not a suggestion. Take the initiative and be the first to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.
With that being said by a happily married man with an amazing wife, please pay attention, to this next list – this will be brutal.
Here are nine things that will destroy your marriage:
So, there you have it, I hope this helps. Whether you are planning to get married or have been for a while, applying these principles will go a long way to having a happy, fulfilled marriage.
Gareth Noble
Gareth Noble is originally from South Africa. He’s a pastor, author, life coach, celebrant and husband to his wife Hermoine. He lives in Dubai.