Emotional Abuse In Relationships

A Christian woman’s encounter with emotional abuse

I don’t think we speak about abuse as Christians, because we have characterized it as a worldly issue. Men and women of God could never be abusive, and even if they are, just stand in your authority and rebuke that spirit or that demon, we’re told.  Brothers and sisters in the faith would just say to you “pray for him”, or sometimes the words just stand in your authority as a child of God.  And honestly, had I not gone through it myself, I would have probably given others that advice.

There is a term called being unequally yoked, and these words, in the context of a relationship or marriage are used to describe when you are saved and your husband or wife is not.  But I was equally yoked, this man loved the Lord, probably prayed more times in a day than I did, he fasted and desired to serve God in all he did, and yet, here I was asking Google if I was being emotionally abused because I felt like I was losing my mind.

That was me, slowly losing my mind, because I was in this “perfect” relationship, or so it seemed and no one knew the internal struggles I was dealing with, and I said nothing because without physical wounds I could not even prove it to myself that I was being abused, and I think that is the hardest thing about emotional or even mental abuse. Physical abuse can happen once your mind immediately registers it as such. But, emotional and mental abuse happens over time and it takes time for the mind to register it as such, and even when you mind tells you something is wrong, we sometimes don’t have enough lived experiences to make the link. 

I said this some time ago to a friend of mine, and I still believe it to be true: that red flags can only be red flags if you know what they look like, if you have been emotionally abused at one point. It becomes easier for you to pick up on those behaviours in the next relationship, but if you have never been emotionally abused, never been gaslit before, your mind has no reference of this, and therefore does not know where to file those early warning signs or red flags as some would call them.  And so, there I was in that relationship and I was literally losing my mind. I could not trust my mind or my emotions anymore because I was being told that it was my fault. I was even being told by the abuser that they never remembered saying this or that, so you are stuck at war with your mind and emotions, feeling betrayed by them because when the argument is over, you are the one apologizing, you are the one that is admitting to having a problem you never knew you had.

Now I know it is not Mental Health Awareness month, and even if it was, as Christians we never speak about the abuse that we endure at the hands of the men of God, the women of God, or those in the body of Christ because those of us that have been abused are too ashamed to admit that it happened. Our minds don’t even register the abuse. 

I am writing this because I believe that we need to start having these conversations so that the ones that are experiencing abuse can find help, or identify the abuse, and people that have not experienced emotional or mental abuse can have a reference of what that looks like so that they can identify the early warning signs and heed them.  Looking back now, I can see the signs, but I did not know what I was looking at in the beginning, but only when the abuse became too much and was unbearable I knew I had to ask someone, and so I turned to Google and YouTube to ask, “how do you know you are being emotionally abused?” or “what are the signs of emotional abuse?”

I also started to read articles and watch videos on the subject of emotional or mental abuse.  I had no one to talk to, and even if I did, I convinced myself that no one would believe me. I was having a hard enough time believing myself, even as my own body was crying out for help, my immune system weakening, I got sick easily, had allergies, back pain, shoulder pain, etc.  My own body was literally at war with itself and my partner was the source of the pain, and no amount of praying or rebuking helped because we would have a few days of peace, and then war again.  I was losing not only the war against the abuse in prayer, but my own body became weak and weary, literally, and eventually I realized if I don’t leave the emotional and mental abuse I would eventually become physically abused, because by then I could see the signs, the early warning signs of physical abuse. Like I said, early warning signs of physical abuse are easier to identify- the aggression, the balling of fists during arguments, the physical pulling during arguments, someone grabbing your arm so tight it bruises.  So I left, and to say I never looked back would be a lie, because even now I still look back, thinking to myself that if I could have just prayed hard enough we could have fixed it, and every time I try I am met with the same words I used to hear often, and realize that he is still the same, but I am not, and I too deserve to be loved, to be happy, and to have peace.

If you suspect that you are being abused, emotionally, mentally, or physically I encourage you to take steps of action to take your power and life back, speak to your local pastor, call a national abuse hotline, speak to authorities, seek counselling, etc.  Do whatever is available and accessible to you.  I know that he is a respected man or woman of God and you think no one will believe you, but that’s a lie from the devil, ask for help, and believe that God never left you, and He was with you throughout, and has made a way of escape out of these trying times.  Abuse is something that can impact our ability to trust God or even have intimacy with Him because the trauma causes a wound, or a blockage that needs to be dealt with or addressed before it causes you to lose faith in the Living God by not believing in His goodness anymore.

You are God’s beloved, and He wants you well, and He wants you happy.