Messia Sfeir on Breaking out of Pain

Lebanese-Armenian Messia Sfeir details his abusive childhood. He shares how past pains and hurts were healed when he put them in the hands of Jesus

This testimony is for the glory of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and for all those who are without hope and suffering, may the grace of God abound in your life and enable you to endure this painful yet short amount of time. Take courage and be filled with hope for this too shall come to an end.

My name is Messia and I was born to a Christian family that had nothing to do with Jesus. Sadly, my story begins at the age of 5 where I used to see how my mom and dad constantly fought with each other, cursing and beating one another. I also used to get violently beaten, cursed at, and yelled at as well. The reasons for these fights were because of broken promises and money.

My dad was a very harsh man, and my mom used to kick me and my siblings out of our home, cursing at us and saying she wished we were never born. Sometimes, when I returned home from school, I encountered a bloody messy home, and sometimes my dad used to run after my mom holding a kitchen knife and threaten to slaughter her. He sometimes even used to point his gun on her and make her get down on her knees and beg for her life. 

I'll never forget a day that I didn’t get a beating from my dad or a curse from my mom with their harsh words. At school I used to get bullied a lot because of my weak personality and I also got harassed with very harsh words from my friends. I couldn’t defend myself at all. Sometimes friends invited me to their homes and I would have lunch with them. I would see how these families are so different from mine. I saw the love, respect and family warmth amongst them. This left a very big effect on me and made me, and I yearned to have such a family.  

At the age of 9 it was the first time I tried to commit suicide by eating silica gel, and for four years on a daily basis at the age of 16, until the age of 20, I used to think of committing suicide in a way I wouldn’t feel too much physical pain. I had a great need for love and I used to beg for love, when I couldn't find any.

As a result, I turned to a homosexual lifestyle, hoping to find someone, particularly a man that would hold me and take me in his bosom, just to make me feel secure and give me fatherly love. But, those kinds of relationships used to last only for a few days because men would take advantage of me and sexually abuse me.

At the age of 20, I was on the brink of committing suicide again, and the only purpose I was living for was to shoot my dad with his own gun and then shoot myself, so that I could get relief from the pain, anger, and hatred that I had against him, against life, and against God. I remember I used to cry in front of God, hoping that He would interfere in my family’s case. But, one time a family friend came to my home and invited my dad to lunch. This person was the pastor of a church. The reason he came was to invite my whole family to a praise and worship concert. Because my dad is the spokesman of the house, he turned down the invitation, but I said yes, "I would love to go." To be honest, I didn’t know where this courage came from to go against my father’s will but I went.

It was the first time for me to attend a concert and I was amazed by this huge crowd, the lights, the band that was on stage- and there were drums and electric guitar players, and a beautiful choir that praised Jesus. It was as if the crowd was as one, and they were all worshipping Jesus in harmony with joyful hearts. Some were crying, some had their eyes closed, and some were shouting “hallelujah!”

I felt a different atmosphere, a sort of presence in that place. And all of a sudden, I felt a warm touch deep inside my heart, touching and healing my wounds. I never realized that Jesus was healing me. I never thought that God is acquainted with my pain and suffering, and that He wanted to heal and save me.

After the worship, a preacher preached the Word of God. I still remember those words as if he knew what was in my heart. He said, “God is not a monster. God is a loving God and He’s here to heal you and save you and set you free.” Those words literally pierced my heart and I felt that my stony heart was being broken, and I was given a heart- a new heart. Jesus healed me. Jesus forgave my many sins. After that, I had a curiosity to know more about Jesus and about His teachings. I suddenly had this thirst and desire for Him. So, I started reading the Bible and reading 1 Corinthians 6:9. I got shocked by this verse about homosexuality, that it is sin. And I repented. After that I felt the urge and responsibility to preach this Good News of salvation to all people I meet.

A big miracle happened in my family, especially after I met Jesus. I felt so much love towards my mom and dad and this was a very big challenge for me to forgive them. There were times I would accidentally stumble up the verse where Jesus taught his disciples to pray and said, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us.” This typical verse touched my heart and I felt convicted that I must forgive them, and it took me a while but I was eventually able to do so by God’s grace. I overcame and because of my obedience to my parents, my life totally changed as well.