The Danger of Only Surrounding Yourself With People Who You Think Can Help You
Photo Credit: Robert Șerban
It was September New York Fashion Week 2022, for womenswear and I was sitting in the living room of my childhood neighbor’s condo in Brooklyn. He certainly was doing well for himself as a neurosurgeon, with a view overlooking the Manhattan skyline. We then got into a conversation about how people in the fashion and entertainment worlds are driven yet blinded by their associations
“Fashion and entertainment are brutal,” I blurted out. “People are far more into themselves, and they don’t care about you unless you’re a celebrity or a billionaire.” He looked at me. “The medical field is like this too. The egos of doctors are pretty much up there,” he responded. “I don’t doubt it, in Washington- a city I once lived- the egos of people are astounding, with people thinking they are the best in foreign policy or that they’re the next best option for the presidency,” I quipped. “But, there’s something about fashion and entertainment that’s worse because these arenas are rooted in being seen, and people have no problem overlooking those they think are of no value to them. They leech onto those that they think can help them,” I said. He looked at me and said, “maybe so.”
I’ve been going to Paris Fashion Week since 2019, and major film festivals since 2021. I enjoy these worlds because in the fiber of my being, I appreciate fashion and I love movies. It’s also a world that God has guided me into, and only He knows why because in grad school my only passion and focus was politics and civil service. I can only surmise that God wills for me to shine His light in these industries that can be so dark at times.
One thing that’s so poignant in the entertainment and fashion arenas is that people will only show interest in you because they see something in you that they need from you, whether that be a status hike, a taste of the luxurious life, access to a certain level people, a job, or a desired partner/spouse. Quite plainly, people will leech on to those they want something from and the hell those that have nothing to offer them. Rarely is anyone your friend in these arenas.
I’ve realized over the years that I have to have thick skin being in these arenas. “No one genuinely likes you, they just use you for what they need you for.” Amber Rose said this in a recent interview for Shannon Sharpe’s podcast, Club Shay Shay. She’s talking about the transactional parts of the entertainment world, and it’s true. You’re only as good as what you can offer. If you don’t bring anything to the table that will benefit others, count yourself as useless to them. It’s a sad but true reality and I think that it’s why so many people spontaneously leave these arenas and go do something like becoming a teacher or work at a library. No really, I’ve seen people just up and leave fashion because they’re tired of the toxicity and the games.
But, it’s not just the social climbers who are strategic in their associations, celebrities and celebrity adjacent people are the same. If you can’t offer them something you’re also invisible to them. Unless you’re their family or super close friends, they often don’t have the space in their lives to form relationships with new people because they’re genuinely busy with their work, and they’re guarded and private (and rightfully so). It could also be that they’ve been so immersed in a world of people leeching off of them (and they off of them) that they can’t see authentic people- that they wouldn’t know how to appreciate authentic relationships.
Coming from the world of Washington, of civil servants and elected officials, I have found the entertainment world a tough one to navigate. While Washington has its backstabbers, associations I’d say, are more real and overall less stressful. In entertainment, everyone is using each other, which I believe impacts human relationships, because fakeness starts to become normal. And one begins to become blind to authentic relationships and good people that God may be sending to bless and fulfill. People are so guarded that welcoming someone in that could be a blessing if often a missed opportunity.
If you don’t know who you are before you get into these arenas, you will get eaten up and you will change, and by change, I mean you can become cynical, closed off, and wounded. Perhaps, this is why, those like Christian author Becket Cook, who used to be in the entertainment arena before coming to know Christ felt the deafening fake-ness of it all and had to leave. He described in an interview that he was at a Hollywood party, next to Rachel Zoe and realized that there had to be something more to life than Hollywood.
A stylist said to me last year, “it’s a game and we’re all playing it, playing it to stay relevant.” The word “game” caught my attention. I don’t like games, even board games, and my only exception is the card game UNO- haha. This game of kissing up, trying to get close to people because you want something out of them, of trying to maintain exhausting relationships that don’t fulfill, of sometimes taking crap behavior because sometimes you have to, and of tip-toeing around egos is a tiring, yet sad reality in these arenas. Last year I had enough and began to distance myself from a lot of people as a result
As I have tried to become more discerning about people in these arenas, and less cynical, I strive to rely more and more on God to guide me in my associations. Of course, one can’t let everyone in. That would be unwise, exhausting, and lacking discernment. Boundaries must be had. But there’s a beauty in keeping your heart and mind open to new people, there’s a beauty in making time for those who can’t do anything in return for you, socially speaking. Sometimes these are the blessings God sends to alleviate the harsh realities of these arenas that drain.
