What Makes a Successful Marriage? Ben and Mel’s Tips
Few week old new parents, Ben and Mel Chow share what makes a successful marriage with four years of experience under their belt
We welcomed the birth of our first child Reuben over the past weekend. Although this was a challenge that we had braced ourselves for during the pregnancy, the sleep disruption, multitude of baby chores, and helplessness when faced with a crying baby we did not yet understand, left us reeling. Daddy, mummy and baby all wept during the first few minutes after delivery; little did we expect a reprise within 24 hours of our initial departure from the hospital, as we returned to the Emergency Room with a dehydrated and feverish baby.
Like all other marriages, we faced numerous setbacks during our own of four years. Each of these always presented us with a choice – either we fight through them, or we take the easier route of throwing in the towel. During our graduation vacation in Greece, we got into a heated argument and talk of a break-up suddenly surfaced. During the ensuing reconciliation, we made a pact never to threaten each other with separation ever again, a promise that we have kept until today. Success and growth in marriage is not defined by how couples fare in times of plenty, but how they navigate and embrace their God-given suffering and challenges together.
Marriage is a commitment to each other, and we have observed this manifest in four key ways in our journey so far:
A commitment to building commonality, even when we start off different. From spending time with each other’s families, colleagues and friends, to participating in church activities together, serving together, exercising together, we have each grown to love the other’s community and interests. Over time, we have observed that doing these things together has moulded us to become more like each other as well. Ben now makes an effort to plan further ahead and be more punctual, while Mel has learnt to embrace spontaneity and flexibility.
A commitment to communicating well and listening to each other. Few start off as good listeners and communicators, but marriage provides a platform for refining these aspects of our personal growth. Being physically present is not genuine listening if our heads are elsewhere. Often, what isn’t said is as important – if not more important – than what is said. After each blow-up and shouting match, we always force ourselves to talk through what happened and how we could have done things better, and this has helped us to develop a strong bond of mutual intuition.
A commitment to serving each other even when we don’t feel like it. And not just “in sickness” but also “in health”. These can be simple things, like volunteering to do the laundry, to turning off the light before bed. Rather than waiting for the other to ask, we pro-actively seek out ways to bless each other. Diligent practice during the calm slowly but surely builds us up for mutual service during ‘the storm’.
Finally, marriage is also a commitment to God. It’s a commitment to obeying His design for marriage, if only because it brings Him glory. When things appear to be breaking apart at the seams, or what our partner asks of us seems irrational, we turn to Jesus on the cross and remember that His sacrifice too never made any sense. Being entirely committed to one another is not something we can achieve on our own strength, and doing so will reveal that our identities and motivations are shaped by a supernatural, powerful Spirit.