15% Of Gen Z Use AI To Plan A Date
Young Americans are letting algorithms into their love lives, and it’s changing how we flirt, date, and connect
“That’s what these men are doing nowadays, they’re using ChatGPT to talk to women,” a friend said to me some weeks ago. “Like, just to simply text and have a conversation, they’re using AI,” she seriously blurted. I never even thought about it. “Like why?” was my first thought. The reason for this conversation is that I had met a guy, who turned out to, well, let’s just say be a disappointment. In looking at his text exchange, a different friend surmised that he was using ChatGPT to talk to me.
As a writer I’m a little opposed to ChatGPT, because it’s putting my kind out of work. The closest I’ve come to using it is in a Google search. I have no control over its integration in my searches. So, it never occurred to me that men are using ChatGPT, which sort feels a little dishonest because the guy (and girl if she’s using it) isn’t being their real self in having simple conversations over text. Like, if you can’t use your own mind to talk to someone you like then what’s the point? What happened to the old-school way to talking to someone? Our grandfathers and fathers used their poetic brains to woo our grandmothers and mothers.
But, it’s not just about texting the one you like, Gen Z’s in the US are using AI to plan dates, according to a recent study done by Paired, a space for couples who are already in love, to explore their relationship and grow further. 15% of Gen Z’s have already been using AI to plan dates, and 12% rely on it for relationship advice, according to the study, which shows this generation’s approach to love is much different to generations before them. These numbers are double the rate of Millennials. The research shows, 3 in 5 Americans are now open to AI assisted matchmaking.
“AI can definitely support the modern dater, but you have to be careful,” says Aly Bullock, Head of Relationships at Paired - the app that brings couples closer. “AI is so good at repeating back what it knows you want to hear. If anything in your wording suggests that you are leaning towards or hoping for a certain type of response, it will generate that response for you. If you're anxious, it will likely confirm your fears. If you're avoidant, it will likely confirm that they're being too needy. So, the point is that you have to know how to use it. Make sure you tell the AI prompt to be neutral and give you advice as if it were a relationship specialist who had no personal interest in your situation. That way you will get the most non-biased advice possible. Somethings you can ask AI: Based on what you know about relationships and (insert context), would you consider this behavior to be a red flag? If I would like to express (XYZ) to this person, what are some sentence starters that could convey my feelings?”
Bullock is particularly knowledgeable in helping couples build fulfilling partnerships. She stands at the intersection of fostering healthy communication between couples and technology, providing advice that supports people on their relationship journey.
Ok, I get it, it’s quicker to ask ChatGPT what to do when it comes to dating. With everyone glued to their phones and turning to online dating, it makes sense. We’re not just outsourcing work-related matters but emotional labor to algorithms.
So, what are people using AI for when it comes to dating:
1. Planning First Dates
AI suggests creative, personalized date ideas, like wine tasting or ramen-making workshops, based on shared hobbies and comfort levels.
2. Conversation Starters
Singles are asking AI for help with witty openers, icebreakers, and follow-up lines to keep matches engaged without the pressure of being “perfect.”
3. Navigating Sticky Social Situations
From ending things gently to apologizing after conflict, Gen Z users rely on AI to draft emotionally intelligent responses they might struggle to express alone.
4. Writing Romantic Gestures
AI is being used to write poems, flirty texts, and birthday letters, helping those who feel shy or inarticulate find romantic language with ease.
Bullock believes there is a fine line between using AI as a social assistant, and letting it take over your emotional presence. “If you find that you are turning to AI before you've done any mental work to answer your own questions or work through your own emotions, you've become too reliant. AI should be your second thought, and trusting yourself should be first. Because you want the people you date to get the chance to authentically know you, not the robot version of you. So, make sure you've always thought through something first, before checking with AI,” she says.
While I’m still skeptical and think that there’s nothing like sitting down and thinking on your own how to interact with someone you’re interested in, sans AI, I know that Gen Z’s and some Millennials are relying on it. I remember in college; a friend and I were going to another friend’s birthday party and we picked her up some cupcakes and our own respective cards. My friend struggled to write a thoughtful message. He watched me as I wrote out a thoughtful message and he blurted out, “I’m just going to write Happy Birthday and sign my name.” I get it, I’m a heartfelt wordy person. I got it from my mom, and I’m a writer so writing from the heart is easy for me. We all have our own skills, and finding the words for his birthday card wasn’t natural for him. Having AI as a backup is helpful, but it shouldn’t be a sole crutch. If you’re going to use it in the love department, use it like this:
A helper, not a handler: This technology is a great starting point for getting ideas, but you should always review, personalize, and adapt messages.
To be transparency, not fake: When writing a heartfelt message, transparency goes a long way in building trust. If the text is too crafty and doesn’t sound like you, then you’re taken AI too far.
AI is not for solving conflicts: Emotional honesty matters, especially when having real and direct discussions. If you use AI for the hard conversations, things can be misconstrued and you’ll find yourself in a deeper pit than you intended.
Not a tool for emotional skills: Use AI to build confidence. We all need to practice social skills, but we also need to practice emotional ones too.
It’s inevitable that AI is here to stay and will only develop further and further. I have no idea if an iRobot world is on the horizon, but when it comes to love there must be boundaries with AI. This technology is not capable of having empathy, or the ingredients that come with the feelings that make procreation function.
These are the predictors in how this technology will shift when it comes to love and AI: mainstream AI integrations in dating apps, Transparency features (e.g. AI-generated message tags), pushback from users demanding more authenticity, and new relationship norms around tech-assisted romance.
As this technology progresses, there are those that are skeptical, seeing AI as a disconnect from feelings, and harmful to real human connection. “Dating helps us grow. It helps us step outside of our comfort zone, learn to fail, learn to feel, learn to be more confident and work through moments when we're not confident. It teaches us more about ourselves than it does the other person. The danger of allowing AI to take over is that we miss out on all this growth. We become too reliant on a computer, that our growth becomes stagnant. Then, when we're in the relationship and face very real challenges, we have no way of coping because we haven't stretched our emotional muscles in far too long,” says Bullock.
All I have to say is that the heart is real and engaging with other people’s hearts is real, so as AI and love interact with each other, those behind this technology and those using it will have to create mindful rules of engagement.
